Oh hai, I haven’t forgot about you and all your internet truth-teller needs. I’m currently involved in something super secret that involves saving humanity… but I may be done later this week. So I’ll come play then. Till then masturbate and think of me.
I ran some reports this weekend about my visitors and sadly I’ve found that the majority of you are without girlfriends or worse.. married. I felt bad so I thought it was time I started spilling some of my mystic powers on how to get chicks to fall in love with you.
Step 1. Learn to stretch the truth
Now you may be saying “Whoa wait a second mister.. isn’t stretching the truth lying?!”, please throat punch yourself not once but twice. This isn’t the guide to being the nicest guy in the world. This is the ways to win the ladies of your wet dreams. If you can’t make yourself sound way cooler then you’re going to have to result to plan b, which is becoming way cooler which if you’re reading a guide to how to get chicks on THIS website, you’re probably desperate as all hell which means you’re probably lamer than a giant apathetic turtle who is allergic to people. So to recap, learn to make yourself sound cool and get used to stretching the truth. Why is this handy? Let’s say some chick wants you to go see the new Twilight movie. You can simply say you don’t want to because you’re brother was bitten by a vampire and it takes you to a dark place. If she calls you out on that, tell her it was in a dream but it seemed really real. If this causes you to have a moral conflict then I guess close your eyes for two seconds and picture you 1, having a brother if you don’t, and 2, him being bit by a vampire. 3. Call that a day dream and boom, it’s now truthful.
Step 2. Have some inner conflict
Girls like having something to try to fix that they cannot. It makes them almost as happy as being in a kitchen all day. You’ll need some sort of issue– but let me warn you that it can’t be fxcking weird or creepy. Wanting to tie her up and pistol whip her in a field won’t work for a first date. Wanting to jack off on her feet while she sings “Comin’ round the mountain” isn’t a story she’ll want to tell her kids (unless their acting out and need a reality check, or it’s their birthday). I’m talking something that is mysterious and yet intriguing…or you can just be a huge asshole, that’s the easiest one. Take a look at that Twilight dude that ladies swoon over. (shut up about the fact I mentioned twilight twice in one post, it’s for SEO purposes..you virgin.) He barely says anything and looks like he hasn’t bathed in months. Not to mention he looks like he’s always gotta poop real bad but can’t. Ladies eat that shit up! They want to fix his internal struggles. So get some issues…or be an asshole and you’ll be in good shape.
Step 3 Get a dangerous hobby or job.
So you work at a gas station, I think that really means you deal with supply and demand all day. You’re a dentist, tell her you torture people for a living! Take of sky diving some other extreme sport. Most guys go wrong because they think a girl wants to have a conversation with them. This isn’t true, girls actaully only want to have conversations with other girls and they just need something that tops the rest of their friends. For example, you would ideally like your lady to be able to say “Oh yeah? Ever seen Bourne Identity? That’s about my boyfriend.. not all the forgetting who he is but the killing and jumping through windows part. OH and he’s got a boat!” A boat is the new status symbol.. especially if you’re no where near any place with water!
So these are the first 3 steps you should take to start picking up chicks. If you can’t win with these you’re probably some closet weirdo in which case you probably didn’t listen to #2. If I get enough emails on this article thanking me for how many times you now score on a weekly basis I may do another. If not i’ll take it as you being too knee deep in tang to care what I write. Ladies who read this site.. don’t act like you wouldn’t love a dude who did all three of these things.
A break from the normal random retardedness on here….
Artist B.O.B. -
again.. ARTIST.. B.O.B. and his band (The Eastsiders) rocked a FREE internet concert from their hotel room in Baltimore tonight. It was streamed on UStream. It was Awesome. I got to ‘shout out’ several internet requests. B.O.B. himself actually read several things I posted such as… Freebird! IF he played Freebird the internet would explode… good thing I backed it up though. Cause that stuff EXPLODED tonight. I’ll be posting links to Audio as they become available. Please Don’t ruin my server by reposting this… just post a link to the site or something. Check back for more links:
B.O.B. and the Eastsiders – Part 1
B.O.B. and the Eastsiders – Part 2
B.O.B. and the Eastsiders – Part 3
B.O.B. and the Eastsiders – Part 4
B.O.B. and the Eastsiders – Part 5
B.O.B. and the Eastsiders – Part 6
(sorry if the audio sucks… or has whatever… I hit record and crossed my fingers..i’ve got some extra audio that i’m going to try to clean up, cut into songs and randomness parts and give you an easier way to find the songs you want.)
Thanks to B.O.B., Kyle, D, and the Jack Daniels Drinkin’ bassist!
More at www.bobatl.com or follow bob on Twitter!
Have you ever heard a Tomato scream for help as it’s ripped from the ground? Have you ever started to cry as someone slowly chomped a baby carrot into tiny chunks?! I have. I’m here to state that I’m tired of being silent! I’m sick of just quietly eating my cheeseburger while you vile vegetarian torture defenseless vegetables that don’t have the ability of making an audible cry for help! IT STOPS NOW!
Animals and Vegetables
The main difference here is that animals can show emotions and make sounds as needed. If an animal is hungry it begs or mauls a child. If a vegetable is hungry it goes unnoticed until it’s dead or very close to. ”Oh Mr broccoli My bad… I’m sorry I didn’t give you water for a week. I’ll just plant some more of your cousins while you rot…..literally.” If you boil a puppy it will jump out of the water. If you boil coliflower it’s heart will break as it slowly is cooked before your eyes.
Teaching Murder to Kids
Every parent who tells their children to eat their vegetables is pushing these sins further and further. Today its some peas! Tomorrow it’s corn! Next week, your child is beating up his friends and burning churches. Are you really going to be that kind of parent?! Are you really going to raise ‘that kid’? Why not name him Adolf? Hmm?
Health Risks
I’m telling you now that Mad Cow is just left wing propaganda. A quick wikipedia search can tell you that no human being was ever really infected with Mad Cow. Plus! Who wants a cow that’s overly happy all the time? Don’t you hate those annoying people who are always smiling?! I know I do.. and I don’t want my Cow products to be overly happy, I might ingest some of that happy and become one of those annoying people.. Good-lordy! So no real diseases from meat! What about that E-coli scare in them tomatoes?! What about that Hep-B in… those tomatoes?! What about them AIDS in them Radishes?! Yeah…Healthy my ass. It’s just mother nature’s way of getting back at us for all the pain and suffering we put into our food. We like it. We love it! We even added it to our Extra Value menus everywhere! Now you can get Torture on the Go! Don’t forget to up size it so we can take out a whole head of lettuce on your lunch break! SICKOS!
Porn.
Ok So I know this probably got you sick sick vegetarian’s attention! You have no problem stuffing your face with the fears and strife of cute cudily onions but it wasn’t enough! You had to stuff them elsewhere! I had the hard job of trying to find porn involving raw meat…after hours of looking around the web I finally found one cheapy photoshoped image of a female with a steak. However it took seconds to find millions of photos of people naked with vegetables. Clearly if Christians feel porn is wrong, they must band together and stop vegetable savages as well!