I was asked if I wanted to ride the ostrich I was going to eat before they cooked it.  I turned them down but I saw some other kids screaming with joy as they rode back and forth.  I asked why they allowed this before cooking it.  The restaurateur laughing stated, “it helps loosen the feathers and also tenderized the meat one last time.”  Made perfect sense…

So I finally was given my burger.  I bit down and quickly realized… it was the best burger I’ve ever had.  Seriously, it was so tasty I think we as humans have mislabeled oral sex.  It was so juicy, moist, and cooked to perfection.  I couldn’t believe that more people weren’t turned on to this amazing delicacy.  It was probably the best thing I have eaten in months.  I tried to make the burger last but it was so amazingly tasty I couldn’t stop eatting.  Once I finished I raised my hands in glory like I had just punched out rocky or a todler and screamed “I JUST ATE AN OSTRICH!”  I felt the need to tell every single person that I saw the rest of the day about the ostrich inside me.  Beef has just become boring after all the years.  Chicken an ending fad.  I now live to snuff out as many ostriches as I can!   If I ever saw an ostrich in real life I’d take a bite out of it in no time.

Everything was perfect.  I felt complete until later that day when something equally as awesome and the bragging could continue in another way.   The ostrich finished working its way through my body and made it’s escape.   It was at that point that I crapped out an ostrich literally.  So the bonus item you’ll be left with is being able to say things like “woah, I felt like a big ol’ ostrich just flew out my butt-hole.”  or you can compare things to “it’s kind of like shitting out an ostrich…know what I mean?”  …and only rarely will they.   I’ve never felt more like a bad ass in my life since I ate that ostrich.   I’ve now sort of in my mind, wanted to go on a conquest to see how I can defeat more random animals and put them in my stomach.  If you have some suggestions post where you can find them to eat and if they are good.  I don’t wanna hear “oh eat a ferret they taste terrible”!  …good tasting things..that aren’t commonly eaten.

I strongly suggest everyone find the nearest place you can sink your teeth into a ostrich as quickly as you can.  With my hunger cravings they’re sure to go extinct in the next week or so.  So get on it.  You can grab some from here for yourselves of find a restaurant to make you one if your fxcking lazy or too hungry to drive somewhere.  (order 100+ of them for only $575.00 it’s worth it… sell them to your friends for $10 and double your money.)

Basically the secret is that you are a “Conductor” of the universe and if you will something then it will be.  The universe will give it to you.  Whatever you believe strongly enough, will happen.  They explain that people are idiots because they’ll wish or try to will themselves out of debt and instead the universe like some half-listening teenager just hears “in debt” and people continue to be in debt.  What you really need to do acording to the people who came up with “The Secret” is instead will yourself to be already out of debt and BOOM things will happen to put you out of debt.

Now you can call this positive thinking may just make your lazy ass get off the coke habit and start working at a 9-5 instead of blowing truckers for a fix.  but hey… I’m not one to judge so I figured I’d give this a try with a stock I’ve been following.

The stock is IMGG it’s a company that has a device that’s like a CAT scan or MRI but better because it’s 3d and it gets rendered like instantly instead of waiting like the current technology.  It also can fit through a normal doorway and plug into a normal plug.  So all in all it’s pretty awesome but it’s been pending approval from the FDA for some time so the price has stayed low for now.  Once it gets approved it’ll sell for a lot of money, I’ll be rich and I’ll only write about rich people stuff.  So it’s win-win for me.  So yeah, I want this stock to hit so I can do all that fun stuff so I got my friends to join up and test out this secret once and for all.

We did everything they said to do on the dvd and in the book, and with all of our efforts combined we all agreed $16 sounded extraordinary enough that if it hit we’d know for sure it was an act of the universe giving us what we willed and not just some fluke…  so the next day… Nothing happened (the stock went up 3.1 cents.. no secret here, just normal business)  So there, scientific proof that the universe wont give you anything if you just will it.

Oh hai, I haven’t forgot about you and all your internet truth-teller needs.  I’m currently involved in something super secret that involves saving humanity… but I may be done later this week.  So I’ll come play then.   Till then masturbate and think of me.

So I was at a friend’s party this weekened and I ran out of beer so I began to go on a quest to discover something delicius to satisfy my hunger for something tasty.  I began going thru my buddy’s fridge and suddenly it hit me.  I thought of the perfect cookie.   If you’re anything like me which you probably aren’t, becuase I’m awesome and you’re slightly sub-par… but if you can pretend for a minute what it may be like.  You’d realize that the perfect combination of substances to make the best cookies ever layed right before you!

Here are the things you’ll need to steal from a friend along with his oven.. before you go reading this, go put your oven on 375 degrees.

• 2 cups butter
• 3 1/2 tablespoons firmly packed dark brown sugar
• 2 cups water
• 8 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 large egg
• 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
• 3 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 cup salt (I know seems like a lot but it’s totally worth it!)
• 2 teaspoons of Cayanne pepper (or as much as you can stomach if you’re a pussy.)

Ok so here’s the quick and dirty on how to put these things together.  First put all your dry ingredients together in a bowl (if you’re not sure why I mean by dry ingredients you’re an idiot.)  Then pour in half the water along with half the butter.  Mix together until it’s one solid blob of tasty.  Add that egg in the normal way you would, cracking it etc. If you’re not sure how recruit a girl to help.  (see previous post if you need help with that.) Beat the egg into the mix like your uncle beat you’re late aunt Denise. Then add the rest of the water and the rest of the butter.  If you really want you can add extra chocolate chips but I found that 8.5 cups is enough for most people.   Add the chocolate and mix it once more for good measure.   Put them out in small circular balls (the size of a testicle is fine.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t sure what size that would be.) and put them in the oven for 10-12 minutes.  Take them out and let them cool and share with your friends!

Yeah, I can’t believe that I posted a baking recipe but man… these fxckers hit the spot last night so I figured I’d share the wealth.