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Posts Tagged ‘awesome’

July 5th, 2010

So the other day I was at my local Fudruckers which is normally a mistake. I dined there as a child if Florida and got food poisoning. It seems they’ve turned themselves around a bit now so while I was looking at their menu something crazy caught my eye. They now serve Ostrich Burgers! Looking around they have signs everywhere that they grind their beef fresh daily and images of some guy pushing an ostrich into a grinder every morning just sounded amazing! Imagine if they were friends because no one had seen the hidden gem of the world “ostrich burger” on their menu for so long and now by my order I forced some guy to put his beloved pet into a grinder to make a single burger crying as he ground the meet says “we both knew this day would come.” The ostrich crying out a single tear. Oh how dramatic… I started to feel a bit guilty… guilty I didn’t get two.

I was asked if I wanted to ride the ostrich I was going to eat before they cooked it. I turned them down but I saw some other kids screaming with joy as they rode back and forth. I asked why they allowed this before cooking it. The restaurateur laughing stated, “it helps loosen the feathers and also tenderized the meat one last time.” Made perfect sense…

So I finally was given my burger. I bit down and quickly realized… it was the best burger I’ve ever had. Seriously, it was so tasty I think we as humans have mislabeled oral sex. It was so juicy, moist, and cooked to perfection. I couldn’t believe that more people weren’t turned on to this amazing delicacy. It was probably the best thing I have eaten in months. I tried to make the burger last but it was so amazingly tasty I couldn’t stop eatting. Once I finished I raised my hands in glory like I had just punched out rocky or a todler and screamed “I JUST ATE AN OSTRICH!” I felt the need to tell every single person that I saw the rest of the day about the ostrich inside me. Beef has just become boring after all the years. Chicken an ending fad. I now live to snuff out as many ostriches as I can! If I ever saw an ostrich in real life I’d take a bite out of it in no time.

Everything was perfect. I felt complete until later that day when something equally as awesome and the bragging could continue in another way. The ostrich finished working its way through my body and made it’s escape. It was at that point that I crapped out an ostrich literally. So the bonus item you’ll be left with is being able to say things like “woah, I felt like a big ol’ ostrich just flew out my butt-hole.” or you can compare things to “it’s kind of like shitting out an ostrich…know what I mean?” …and only rarely will they. I’ve never felt more like a bad ass in my life since I ate that ostrich. I’ve now sort of in my mind, wanted to go on a conquest to see how I can defeat more random animals and put them in my stomach. If you have some suggestions post where you can find them to eat and if they are good. I don’t wanna hear “oh eat a ferret they taste terrible”! …good tasting things..that aren’t commonly eaten.

I strongly suggest everyone find the nearest place you can sink your teeth into a ostrich as quickly as you can. With my hunger cravings they’re sure to go extinct in the next week or so. So get on it. You can grab some from here for yourselves of find a restaurant to make you one if your fxcking lazy or too hungry to drive somewhere. (order 100+ of them for only $575.00 it’s worth it… sell them to your friends for $10 and double your money.)

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June 13th, 2010

The Best Cookies Ever!

So I was at a friend’s party this weekened and I ran out of beer so I began to go on a quest to discover something delicius to satisfy my hunger for something tasty. I began going thru my buddy’s fridge and suddenly it hit me. I thought of the perfect cookie. If you’re anything like me which you probably aren’t, becuase I’m awesome and you’re slightly sub-par… but if you can pretend for a minute what it may be like. You’d realize that the perfect combination of substances to make the best cookies ever layed right before you!

Here are the things you’ll need to steal from a friend along with his oven.. before you go reading this, go put your oven on 375 degrees.

• 2 cups butter
• 3 1/2 tablespoons firmly packed dark brown sugar
• 2 cups water
• 8 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 large egg
• 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
• 3 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 cup salt (I know seems like a lot but it’s totally worth it!)
• 2 teaspoons of Cayanne pepper (or as much as you can stomach if you’re a pussy.)

Ok so here’s the quick and dirty on how to put these things together. First put all your dry ingredients together in a bowl (if you’re not sure why I mean by dry ingredients you’re an idiot.) Then pour in half the water along with half the butter. Mix together until it’s one solid blob of tasty. Add that egg in the normal way you would, cracking it etc. If you’re not sure how recruit a girl to help. (see previous post if you need help with that.) Beat the egg into the mix like your uncle beat you’re late aunt Denise. Then add the rest of the water and the rest of the butter. If you really want you can add extra chocolate chips but I found that 8.5 cups is enough for most people. Add the chocolate and mix it once more for good measure. Put them out in small circular balls (the size of a testicle is fine. I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t sure what size that would be.) and put them in the oven for 10-12 minutes. Take them out and let them cool and share with your friends!

Yeah, I can’t believe that I posted a baking recipe but man… these fxckers hit the spot last night so I figured I’d share the wealth.

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June 8th, 2010

Guide to Getting Girls

I ran some reports this weekend about my visitors and sadly I’ve found that the majority of you are without girlfriends or worse.. married. I felt bad so I thought it was time I started spilling some of my mystic powers on how to get chicks to fall in love with you.

Step 1. Learn to stretch the truth

Now you may be saying “Whoa wait a second mister.. isn’t stretching the truth lying?!”, please throat punch yourself not once but twice. This isn’t the guide to being the nicest guy in the world. This is the ways to win the ladies of your wet dreams. If you can’t make yourself sound way cooler then you’re going to have to result to plan b, which is becoming way cooler which if you’re reading a guide to how to get chicks on THIS website, you’re probably desperate as all hell which means you’re probably lamer than a giant apathetic turtle who is allergic to people. So to recap, learn to make yourself sound cool and get used to stretching the truth. Why is this handy? Let’s say some chick wants you to go see the new Twilight movie. You can simply say you don’t want to because you’re brother was bitten by a vampire and it takes you to a dark place. If she calls you out on that, tell her it was in a dream but it seemed really real. If this causes you to have a moral conflict then I guess close your eyes for two seconds and picture you 1, having a brother if you don’t, and 2, him being bit by a vampire. 3. Call that a day dream and boom, it’s now truthful.

Step 2. Have some inner conflict

Girls like having something to try to fix that they cannot. It makes them almost as happy as being in a kitchen all day. You’ll need some sort of issue– but let me warn you that it can’t be fxcking weird or creepy. Wanting to tie her up and pistol whip her in a field won’t work for a first date. Wanting to jack off on her feet while she sings “Comin’ round the mountain” isn’t a story she’ll want to tell her kids (unless their acting out and need a reality check, or it’s their birthday). I’m talking something that is mysterious and yet intriguing…or you can just be a huge asshole, that’s the easiest one. Take a look at that Twilight dude that ladies swoon over. (shut up about the fact I mentioned twilight twice in one post, it’s for SEO purposes..you virgin.) He barely says anything and looks like he hasn’t bathed in months. Not to mention he looks like he’s always gotta poop real bad but can’t. Ladies eat that shit up! They want to fix his internal struggles. So get some issues…or be an asshole and you’ll be in good shape.

Step 3 Get a dangerous hobby or job.

So you work at a gas station, I think that really means you deal with supply and demand all day. You’re a dentist, tell her you torture people for a living! Take of sky diving some other extreme sport. Most guys go wrong because they think a girl wants to have a conversation with them. This isn’t true, girls actaully only want to have conversations with other girls and they just need something that tops the rest of their friends. For example, you would ideally like your lady to be able to say “Oh yeah? Ever seen Bourne Identity? That’s about my boyfriend.. not all the forgetting who he is but the killing and jumping through windows part. OH and he’s got a boat!” A boat is the new status symbol.. especially if you’re no where near any place with water!

So these are the first 3 steps you should take to start picking up chicks. If you can’t win with these you’re probably some closet weirdo in which case you probably didn’t listen to #2. If I get enough emails on this article thanking me for how many times you now score on a weekly basis I may do another. If not i’ll take it as you being too knee deep in tang to care what I write. Ladies who read this site.. don’t act like you wouldn’t love a dude who did all three of these things.

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September 28th, 2009

Stop Murdering my Vegetable Friends!

Have you ever heard a Tomato scream for help as it’s ripped from the ground? Have you ever started to cry as someone slowly chomped a baby carrot into tiny chunks?! I have. I’m here to state that I’m tired of being silent! I’m sick of just quietly eating my cheeseburger while you vile vegetarian torture defenseless vegetables that don’t have the ability of making an audible cry for help! IT STOPS NOW!

Animals and Vegetables

The main difference here is that animals can show emotions and make sounds as needed. If an animal is hungry it begs or mauls a child. If a vegetable is hungry it goes unnoticed until it’s dead or very close to. ”Oh Mr broccoli My bad… I’m sorry I didn’t give you water for a week. I’ll just plant some more of your cousins while you rot…..literally.” If you boil a puppy it will jump out of the water. If you boil coliflower it’s heart will break as it slowly is cooked before your eyes.

Teaching Murder to Kids

Every parent who tells their children to eat their vegetables is pushing these sins further and further. Today its some peas! Tomorrow it’s corn! Next week, your child is beating up his friends and burning churches. Are you really going to be that kind of parent?! Are you really going to raise ‘that kid’? Why not name him Adolf? Hmm?

Health Risks

I’m telling you now that Mad Cow is just left wing propaganda. A quick wikipedia search can tell you that no human being was ever really infected with Mad Cow. Plus! Who wants a cow that’s overly happy all the time? Don’t you hate those annoying people who are always smiling?! I know I do.. and I don’t want my Cow products to be overly happy, I might ingest some of that happy and become one of those annoying people.. Good-lordy! So no real diseases from meat! What about that E-coli scare in them tomatoes?! What about that Hep-B in… those tomatoes?! What about them AIDS in them Radishes?! Yeah…Healthy my ass. It’s just mother nature’s way of getting back at us for all the pain and suffering we put into our food. We like it. We love it! We even added it to our Extra Value menus everywhere! Now you can get Torture on the Go! Don’t forget to up size it so we can take out a whole head of lettuce on your lunch break! SICKOS!

Porn.

Ok So I know this probably got you sick sick vegetarian’s attention! You have no problem stuffing your face with the fears and strife of cute cudily onions but it wasn’t enough! You had to stuff them elsewhere! I had the hard job of trying to find porn involving raw meat…after hours of looking around the web I finally found one cheapy photoshoped image of a female with a steak. However it took seconds to find millions of photos of people naked with vegetables. Clearly if Christians feel porn is wrong, they must band together and stop vegetable savages as well!

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