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June 8th, 2010

I ran some reports this weekend about my visitors and sadly I’ve found that the majority of you are without girlfriends or worse.. married. I felt bad so I thought it was time I started spilling some of my mystic powers on how to get chicks to fall in love with you.

Step 1. Learn to stretch the truth

Now you may be saying “Whoa wait a second mister.. isn’t stretching the truth lying?!”, please throat punch yourself not once but twice. This isn’t the guide to being the nicest guy in the world. This is the ways to win the ladies of your wet dreams. If you can’t make yourself sound way cooler then you’re going to have to result to plan b, which is becoming way cooler which if you’re reading a guide to how to get chicks on THIS website, you’re probably desperate as all hell which means you’re probably lamer than a giant apathetic turtle who is allergic to people. So to recap, learn to make yourself sound cool and get used to stretching the truth. Why is this handy? Let’s say some chick wants you to go see the new Twilight movie. You can simply say you don’t want to because you’re brother was bitten by a vampire and it takes you to a dark place. If she calls you out on that, tell her it was in a dream but it seemed really real. If this causes you to have a moral conflict then I guess close your eyes for two seconds and picture you 1, having a brother if you don’t, and 2, him being bit by a vampire. 3. Call that a day dream and boom, it’s now truthful.

Step 2. Have some inner conflict

Girls like having something to try to fix that they cannot. It makes them almost as happy as being in a kitchen all day. You’ll need some sort of issue– but let me warn you that it can’t be fxcking weird or creepy. Wanting to tie her up and pistol whip her in a field won’t work for a first date. Wanting to jack off on her feet while she sings “Comin’ round the mountain” isn’t a story she’ll want to tell her kids (unless their acting out and need a reality check, or it’s their birthday). I’m talking something that is mysterious and yet intriguing…or you can just be a huge asshole, that’s the easiest one. Take a look at that Twilight dude that ladies swoon over. (shut up about the fact I mentioned twilight twice in one post, it’s for SEO purposes..you virgin.) He barely says anything and looks like he hasn’t bathed in months. Not to mention he looks like he’s always gotta poop real bad but can’t. Ladies eat that shit up! They want to fix his internal struggles. So get some issues…or be an asshole and you’ll be in good shape.

Step 3 Get a dangerous hobby or job.

So you work at a gas station, I think that really means you deal with supply and demand all day. You’re a dentist, tell her you torture people for a living! Take of sky diving some other extreme sport. Most guys go wrong because they think a girl wants to have a conversation with them. This isn’t true, girls actaully only want to have conversations with other girls and they just need something that tops the rest of their friends. For example, you would ideally like your lady to be able to say “Oh yeah? Ever seen Bourne Identity? That’s about my boyfriend.. not all the forgetting who he is but the killing and jumping through windows part. OH and he’s got a boat!” A boat is the new status symbol.. especially if you’re no where near any place with water!

So these are the first 3 steps you should take to start picking up chicks. If you can’t win with these you’re probably some closet weirdo in which case you probably didn’t listen to #2. If I get enough emails on this article thanking me for how many times you now score on a weekly basis I may do another. If not i’ll take it as you being too knee deep in tang to care what I write. Ladies who read this site.. don’t act like you wouldn’t love a dude who did all three of these things.

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August 18th, 2009

Why I Want Monster Arms

Did you ever stop and think about how great it would be if you had monster arms like a sloth? Sure.. a sloth may misuse it’s amazing powers by being incredibly slow and sort of look like a retarded stretch armstrong-like badger. But really the concept is quite fun to think about. Why if I woke up tomorrow with monster arms I’d smash my alarm clock as it blared the new Imogen Heap album and walk briskly into the shower. That’s part of my morning routine so that would probably be hard to avoid. I like to smell good during the day so I can hit on the ladies after all. (Sexual Harassment rocks!) After that… I’d probably begin my day:

Punch a Kangoroo!

The first thing I would do is walk up to the first walabe I found and punch it square in it’s deer-like face. Then I’d let it get back up on its feet and I’d give it another slobberknocker right to the jaw. I’d follow up with a quick paw-shake (peace sign in the animal kingdom) and run away laughing as it gave me the nod of approval.

Stop Traffic (for GOOD!)

I’d use my monster arms to direct traffic back into itself and flip over any cars who honked at me! I’d block roads for hours just to be a huge monster armed jerk. Then I’d fake them out and pretend like I was about to move… only to sneeze and return back to what I was doing… wasting peoples time. (I may try this without monster arms actually!)

Raise a Family!

Finally I’d raise a family with my monster arms! How cool would I be for my two sons show and tell days?! What about Career day!? “what’s your dad do lil jimmy?!” “well, he’s got monster arms” “…no what’s his career Jimmy?” THEN I’D SMASH THROUGH THE CLASSROOM WALL AND BREAK THE TEACHERS BACK! All the kids would laugh and we’d drink juice! Then I’d rock my wife’s world using my monster arms to shake her violently but with a bit of romance.. until she was satisfied. All would be good… Or i’d smash it to bits.

So you can clearly see the scientific reasoning why I’ll need all scientists to stop what they are doing and help me create monster arms. If you have any scientists living in your back yard have them send me an email… if not, beware… I’ll be adding you to my “To Smash List” for when my new arms are ready:

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July 30th, 2009

Energy Drinks, Fuel for the Sleepy

So when I was younger I got my tax money back and I decided to pull off the coolest thing of my life. Probably even cooler than the day I got my first boner. I booked a bunch of concert dates in a row and random venues around Florida and decided to take some artists I was friends with on tour. We called it the “Jacksonville Invasion Tour!” And we invaded places like knights upon mighty steads! We rocked faces! We beat anorexia! (Thanks Ex-Kal!) we…..didn’t really sleep…

The one night I did sleep I slept with my head in a mini fridge because I was hot. I shared a room with 10 rappers from the south and we just lived off the good things in life: Denny’s and beer. The bad thing is… 5 straight days of touring we learned a strong lesson.. YOU CANNOT LIVE OFF ENERGY DRINKS!

It started in Daytona Beach, FL where we road in screaming on a megaphone “PUT A ROPE ON YOUR BABYS!!” from there, it was one red bull, another… a rock star… a monster. and this continued on for three days straight. This is the account of that week.

Day 1. (138 oz of energy drinks consumed, no sleep yet)
Super energy. We felt like we could fly. The crowd was packed we had people dancing and jumping around. We were partying in DJ booths, making out with strippers, you know…the usual when you’re high on enough caffeine to awaken the dinosaurs. Fun being had by all.

Day 2. (440 oz of energy drinks consumed, 2 hours of sleep)
Starting to feel a slight daze. At this point I’ve consumed more energy drinks than the amount of water I’ve drank in the past month. I can’t feel my face or my arms. I realize I’m constantly putting my hands on my hips and panting like I’ve been running around the building all night…becuase I have. I was offered a drink called a “Bon Jovi” I can’t resist and begin screaming the lyrics to shot thru the heart at the top of my lungs…which have begun to burn like I’ve been smoking for years. I have to sit down but realize when I go to try my legs wont stop shaking so I stand back up. Two girls start flirting with me asking me if I rap, I just smile until my teeth start chattering…. We drive all night to the next venue. At a gas station I realize Full Throttle tastes like liquid gummy bears. I buy 6. Still thirsty.

Day 3. (890 oz of energy drinks consumed, 2.5 hours of sleep)
On the way to the venue we start talking about who would win in a fight Christopher Reeves or Stephen Hawking. We learn on the news that Christopher Reeves died. We declare Stephen Hawking the winner. We see a Scientology “clinic” and someone outside tells me that he has a recording studio in the back. I follow him without thinking. I think he was about to slip me some koolaid and slip out the front when he’s not looking. I get into a deep discussion about the art of bar tending with a security guard who I think probably would have loved to kick me out had I not been the promoter of the show. I’m sure he’ll recall all the “valid” points I was making. I’ve barely slept at this point in three days and I’ve consumed nearly 1000 oz of energy drinks.. Next I will learn a very valueable lesson about why one should not consume nothing but energy drinks…

Day 4. -Early AM (900+… I’ve lost count of what I was consuming at this point. 2.5 hours of sleep total still for trip)
I’m driving my car with a friend and I suddenly begin to see Stinkarelli (more) flying with a cap on infront of my truck in and out of our headlights. I blink long and hard hoping he’ll fly away somewhere else… only to continue to see him. I turn to my friend and state as clearly as I possibly can: “I think.. we need to pull over and get some rest now. I’m seeing Stinkarelli flying infront of my jeep.” My friend and fellow energy drinker turns back over with an insane smile and says “…I see him too.”

I haven’t had an energy drink since!

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